late night rambles

Another sleepless night. Another fire to fight. I miss having the time to do absolutely nothing at all... These days I'm all about being productive, spending time constructively or increasing my efficacy with proper time management and shite like that. *sigh*

I have no idea how I got to be like that. I see a lot of my mom in me and that's terrifying. I don't want to be a kancheongspider.

Life sure has a funny way of getting you entangled in convoluted plots and senseless dramas. I find that I am stuck in a neverending battle trying to find a balance, getting sucked in or drawn out in the tide of life. I oscillate between complete detachment and total involvement.

It's so very tiring.

I remember the excruciatingly long, lazy days of my childhood with an aching clarity. How I see-sawed between the soaring heights of unrestrained joy, the giddying madness of unexplained compulsions and the dark depths of juvenile despair.

Life back then really was not as simple as I make it out to be, but it was more authentic, perhaps. These days, I'm not even sure who I am anymore, as cliched as that sounds. It's not that I'm unhappy, I've just lost track that's all. Real life's finally caught up with me I suppose.

I remember what it's like to not have a care in the world, to see the world through rose-tinted glasses, to live from day to without having to make plans. Choices weren't so tough, issues didn't seem so ambiguous. In those days, I lived in black and white truths. God existed and the good guys always won.

Perhaps I've romanticized some of my memories, but what does that matter. I've chosen to store some things away in a deep dark corner. I have no desire to disturb Pandora's box for now. Some stones are better left unturned.

If I sit quietly for a bit, I feel the room spinning really fast. I don't like this.

Anyway, I'm in KL visiting old family friends with Mom. They've moved into a huge mansion that's about 5 storeys high in a posh neighbourhood, complete with a pool and massive kitchens. We've been eating nonstop, and I've just had a wholesome day of horseriding and playing with kids.

I'm feeling particularly nostalgic seeing how the triplets have grown so much. They're 16 now, full of life, confidence and cynicism. I don't know why but I feel a tad bit sad. I hope they will be happy, I really want for them to be happy but these wishes are usually ineffectual. This is why I probably will never have my own children.

Chiang Mai / Chiang Rai tomorrow before I head over to Laos. I am excited. Travelling is soothing balm for my nerves. I've got wanderlust and the itch cannot be ignored. I should just up and leave, disappear and live out the rest of my days with a nomadic tribe.

Ha ha ha. I believe I've just had a revelation of sorts. I shall go meditate on it and maybe it'll hatch into something else. Good night, I hope.