BYOB. FML. LOL.

02012012. East Coast Park.

3 crazy girls decided to go cycling after a strange, sleepless night up.

T: Haven't been cycling in ages man!
D: Like our sex lives eh?
T: Yes, but at least for cycling, I can come whenever I want.
Both: HAHAHAHHAHAHA

Just goes to show when you least expect it, life drops you an absolute whopping cracker of a joke, beauty in unexpected places, a ticking time bomb, a big pile of stinking shit or all three at one go.

I've been doing a fair bit of thinking lately these sleepless late nights. Since I've stopped drinking recently, I am at a critical transitional stage where there are far too many nocturnal hours to kill for an alcoholic insomniac such as myself. So I try to express what I've repressed and basically do a fuckload of self-mindfucking, which is ironically, the only kind of action I get(haha).

So I have arrived at the conclusion that both ENNUI and alcohol cause most of my problems in life, and unfortunately, they are inextricably linked. Perhaps in my clumsy attempts to stay consistently engaged, I try to chase away ennui with alcohol and then somehow get entrapped in convoluted, messy dramas, misunderstandings and general madness.

The highs are unbelievably high, and the lows are devastatingly low. I live a life with very little control over it, which can be both a good and bad thing. Thankfully, I've got my slightly fucked up sense of humour, so at least I can still say life's funny and interesting.

So its been a pretty icky start to 2010, with shit hitting the fan and all that jazz. Honestly, this was an absolute clincher, the icing and cherry on top of the somewhat large pile of weirdshithappening for 2009. Which is great, cos it can only get better, right?

My very wise friend Xavier once shared this with me: "Today was worse than yesterday, but at least it will be better than tomorrow." It may sound pessimistic, but really, it is fabulous advice. Think about it this way, if you expect things to get worse and they do, you're prepared for it. But if things get better, its a welcome surprise. This way, you'll never be disappointed, unless you're a masochist and actually want your situation to get worse.

Expectations can be a real pain indeed. Everyone forms expectations and are often disappointed, especially since people tend to be disappointing and life never quite goes according to plan most of the time. This disappointment is often accompanied by anger, hurt, unhappiness, apathy, and other generally negative emotions which cannot be dealt with healthily without sufficient emotional maturity.

For too many, happiness is dependent on external factors that they have little or no control over, or perhaps their self worth is dependent on other people, and one mistake heralds the end of days. Why do people need to make their lives so difficult for themselves and others?

Well, I'm not exactly little miss sunshine here, god knows, but I'm trying to forge my own path and find my own way. Sometimes you need to get lost to find something worthwhile, and boy have I gotten lost. But I'm picking up a trail, see, and I believe it's for the better. Risks need to be taken, sacrifices need to be made, suffering needs to be endured for lessons to be learnt and character to be built.

I have no control over what you think, say, feel or do. I have no part in how life will play out, a negligible amount of influence in saving the environment or helping other causes. Hell, I don't even possess sufficient awareness and understanding of the self to prevent self-sabotage or self-destruction.

But I'm working on it. And while I am sorry for whatever damage or pain I may have unwittingly inflicted on others, I refuse to be apologetic for my existence, for not being perfect all the fucking time, for not conforming to standards set by others, or following prescribed paths of alleged "sanity". I do not feel the need to explain or justify my self, but it is tiring to be misunderstood and blamed, the sacrificial scapegoat, the dunce in the corner of the room.

It's so much easier to just shut down stone cold, to be quick to judge and point fingers in self-righteous anger, to provoke mudslinging, to listen to malicious slander out of convenience and write someone off just because, to deceive others or the self, to fear than to trust. Yes it's much easier, and look at how much of it is ego or pride, how much of it, excuses or ignorance?

I refuse to let life get me down.
Enlightenment is not an easy pill to swallow.
The cathartic effect of writing provides only temporary respite.
Don't forget family, friends, love, adventures, music, art, dreams and humour.

Post-it art from Things We Forget

And so it is...

...that time of the year again. It's crept round surreptitiously like a regular stalker who takes no heed of the restraining order you've taken out on him.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everyone! Let us shrug off the 2009 like an old skin and approach the new one with vigour, zest and understanding with the lessons we've learnt still fresh in our minds.



And in the midst of all this holiday excitement and revelry, between the glasses of champagne, party poppers, effervescent hugs and exuberant kisses, I sink into quiet moments, a stillness, a lucid clarity. It's tinged with some sadness for friends and good people no longer walking this world with us, for the speed with which good times with good friends slip through our fingers like the fine sand in an hourglass, for those we have loved and lost and those who have lost themselves when they lost love.

The air is pregnant with humanity's hopes and dreams, passion and shame, fears and regrets and secret desires. They swirl about me with a vague sense of urgency that comes from the knowledge that every second brings us closer to the inevitable, and therefore we absolutely must accomplish all that we set out to do, we must leave an indelible mark somewhere and find our place in history.

All this to make us feel like it's actually worth a damn, that perhaps our life and suffering was not in vain. That we actually MATTER, one way or another. And the only way to do so is to leave behind a legacy. Ah, the sheer vanity of it.

I've always have mixed feelings in December. There's always that holiday mood, reminiscent of vacations in various places with family, ex-es, or friends. There is appreciation for the aimlessness of not having to do anything, an uneasy guilt that tells us we should and could do more, as well as the dread loitering about the end of the holiday.

Random memories resurface momentarily by dint of association, unbidden and sometimes unwelcome. Sometimes they bring bittersweet nostalgia, a prelude to an all-consuming tsunami of melancholy. But at other times, they bring a nice warm sunrise glow in my stomach that reaches up into my eyes in a smile and warms me up like butter on toast. I feel the ice melt into liquid joy bubbling up and burst forth in silly giggles, sunlight and rainbows.

For a long time now, I've felt that Christmas is an over-commercialized, pain in the ass Hallmark card day. There is so much about it that makes me feel like a glop of slop with a streak of violence. The cacophony of jingles and carols blaring from multiple speakers at the same time, the endless stream of advertisements and promotions, the multitudes of slightly manic people thronging the streets of Orchard to worship the Gods of Capitalism by paying through their noses for completely unnecessary products.

I especially dislike the awful traffic with cars bumper to bumper, honking and belching out exhaust incessantly, the epilepsy-inducing lights strung up all over the freaking place like it don't cost nothing, and the pseudo Santas ho-ho-ho-ing their way through the malls in low quality Santa costumes and fake beards.

Don't even get me started on the decorations. This year's coup de grace must be the cross dressing reindeer all along Orchard Road, posing, pouting, winking and modelling outfits??? FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!

Christmas reverberates through my being like an earthquake, causing friction and dissonance that shoot through my nerves in bolts of lightning and triggers my Grinch transformation. I want to Bah-Humbug people in the streets, set fire to the Christmas trees and set the hound dogs from hell upon the obnoxious ones. Especially when it's raining and I'm trapped in an airconditioned, overcrowded mall in my wet clothes and there is a long snaking queue for the damned toilets.

But having said all that (yes this is becoming a very long gripe, but I promise it gets better), I must say that Christmas does bring out feelings of goodwill, love and sharing within the sap in me. When I am with my my loved ones and friends, I feel as if we are all notes to an achingly beautiful song reverberating in harmony. I feel all the good clicks in my centre as I am realigned with my true self.

2009 has been extremely eventful for me. There has been much pain and sorrow, but also so much beauty and quiet joy. I've plunged into darkness and bathed myself in light. I've forgotten and lost myself in crowds and found myself in sublime reflective solitude. I've left pieces of me all around the world in my travels, but I'm finding other pieces here at home that give me good clicks.

Such is the nature of suffering - it serves to bring about growth and insights in stagnant areas of your selfhood. It is necessary and it does not discriminate. There will always be suffering in life, and it will bear beautiful flowers and sweet fruits if we learn to make the best of it, as difficult as it may seem.

And despite all this, my current state of enlightenment really is temporary and fleeting. I know I will get caught up in life again and forget things, I know that I will be sucked into human drama and the messy cesspools of human emotion and neurosis.

But for now, right as this very moment, I have clarity, I have peace, I have self love and love for humanity. I feel the defenses dissolve, the walls crumble, the apathy dissipate, the numbness melt, the pain transformed and hope revived. I don't know how long this will last, but nothing is permanent and I can only hope to be able to return to this state every now and then because stagnation of any sort cannot help me grow.

I feel as if I were a uke that went very much out of tune without knowing it, but now that I know, awareness is half the battle won. I'm still working on it, and maybe one day I will be able to play and sing the melodies of life in perfect harmony. With heart and soul, with wisdom and compassion, with understanding and acceptance.

So even though I do not make New Year Resolutions because the cynic in me cries out, "But resolutions are made to be broken! Don't be daft!" I have some resolutions for 2010 and I really will work at them.

I resolve to be reconnect with myself, nature and people.
I resolve to be nurturing and supportive to all the wonderful, amazing people in my life.
I resolve to live beholden to nothing and no one, but to remain engaged with life.
I resolve to not bear any false hopes, expectations and pretenses, nor buy into the massive amounts of bullshit in this world and succumb to "norms" and societal expectations just because it is the majority world view.
I resolve to see past what is immediately visible, to see not just with my eyes and to remove the all vision-altering "lenses".
I resolve to focus on what I find important and make time for those who matter.
I resolve to really listen to what is being said, and to hear the love behind angry words.
I resolve to allow myself to feel and trust more, and to be honest to myself about what I feel.

Oh yes, and I resolve to give more hugs and make you laugh whenever I can. :)

Aye, I might believe that nothing matters, everything is pointless and meaningless, but the point is that all of you matter to me, and all of you help bring meaning to my life. I am so thankful for all the wonderful people who have enriched my otherwise dull and slummy existence, for the love that I have received, the love I have given and will continue to give for the rest of my life.

So I wish you all the very best for 2010. I hope that you find your own mad meaning and make your own crazy way in this psychotic world we live in! May you enjoy delicious growth, self-actualization, fulfillment and inner joy in your life. And remember that I am always here if you ever need someone for slightly strange company, a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, a helping hand, a warm embrace or general misdemeanour!

6AM in Barcelona

... and i am still awake messing around on the computer. its amazing what a friendly smile and a few words in the local language can do (well, it got me free internet at the hotel i´m staying at anyhow). Barcelona is so vibrant! I feel my body adjusting to its rhythm. this is not good. my body seems to like every country i´ve been to. how will i ever learn to settle?

the keyboards here are different too. it takes some getting used to, but thankfully, i´m muy muy adaptable. i´m loving it here, but i miss all mi amigos in Singapore. it seems that I will always live in a constant state of flux, seesawing between this and that.

i´m happier, for the moment anyway. being in a differnt place away from the expectations and burdens really does help me find some form of persepective. i´m never ever sure of it though, it changes like the insisdious wind that blows through the roads and steals your body warmth.

if anything, i´m pretty sure that i was born to be a vagabond. to travel from place to place, traversing the distant lands and all. or perhaps i´m a gypsy. who knows? nobody seems to know anything these days, or maybe its just me thinking too much again. yes, that´s probably it.

the mind is a troublesome thing. it turns on you all the time.

i fear i will never really be able to conform to the standards that have been set by others. it would threaten my existence and dilute the very essence of my being into a weak tea that could pass off for dirty drain water.

were i a sponge, i would soak all of this up and just exist in a state of saturatation. unfortunately for me, i´m not a sponge. what will i do now?

this will be the death of me.

My Writer's Unblock

I've always found it easier to write of my unhappiness rather than my happiness. It's interesting how negative emotions resonate so much with others as opposed to positive ones. It is undeniable that they leave their indelible mark, like a red hot cattle brand seared into burning flesh, or nails driven through your hands and feet.

Especially for myself, I identify so much more with melancholic, sad songs, books and movies. They fill me up, and a cold air balloon of gloom expanding with a rust-coloured melancholic gas floats through the empty corridors of my soul. I hear the creaks echo and a soft hissing as the balloon pulsates; a poor substitute for a mammalian heart indeed.

Don't get me wrong, I'm no pessimist. I'm filled with life and energy, my words bounce of yours in playful banter. I am eager, curious and passionate about learning, teaching and nurturing. I get so amazed by this wonderland, this colourful sphere of hopes and dreams, languages and culture, feelings and reactions. And every once in a while, I am suffused with an effervescent delight and joyous appreciation. These are my momentary moments of enlightenment, and they serve as bubblewrap to cushion me from life's hard knocks.

And yet, there is a vast wasteland surrounding this lush oasis, where much harsher elements surge against my rapidly shrinking faith. Bubblewrap is flimsy, and I wonder when it will no longer offer me the rose-tinted protection I need. Something rumbles in the distance ominously, and I divide myself into little cubes and squirrel the pieces away in secret cubbyholes and hiding places.

Ever seen one of those documentaries on Africa, where the water all dries up and the odds are looking very bad for all the mangy lions, the mud-encrusted hippos and withered gazelles? It gets like that sometimes, and I fear losing my humanity to the cantankerous Gods of Cynicism and Capitalism who are Cold, Calculative, Cruel. I struggle with this tug-of-war, hanging on to a ghost of a seedling that looks like it is about to be uprooted.

And at times like these, when things seem most desperate, perilous even, there would be a mini-miracle of sorts. Life-giving rains would pour down from out of no where in painfully blinding lightning and ear-splitting cracks of change. The frail seedling springs into a thick vine, the rivers and lakes burst their banks and the salubrious air is humid with possibilities once again. The little cubes of me tremble in anticipation, in unison, buzzing with Life and (dare I say it?) Hope.

How many storms can one weather? I sense the train track expanding and contracting with the heat and cold through the various seasons of life. The invisible faults and stresses finally derails my life in a spectacular implosion of ego and preconceptions! Am I truly free now? Can anyone be so? But what is Freedom but a power-&-profit-driven concept, one of the earliest successful marketing spiels akin to today's The Secret and The Law of Attraction? Let my people go!

I ask questions there are no answers to and hear songs with no music in them. What is this forbidden fruit, how did I obtain it, and why can I not forget its taste so bittersweet and faintly metallic, almost like blood in my mouth? I remember the aroma as I sank my teeth into its fleshy body, my teeth scraping against the ridged pit in its center. There is a super supernova, and the universe explodes into existence in my stomach, lolling outwards like a strange, thick fog of dark matter, anti matter, matter with the strange hue and consistency of pancake batter.

No one cannot possibly challenge so much of what they believe! My sanity is at stake, and perhaps much more. I must be a tightly stretched drum skin, for my hollow insides reverberate with every brutal blow. How animalistic human existence is, carnal and salacious. Yet there are higher vibrations the soul fails to pick up, their piercing silence rings in my ears, rattling the metal studs housed in flesh and cartilage.

I want to let go of it all and let everything burn to an ash. Allow my self to grieve and forgive, to weep with honesty for every repression. Perhaps the fabled phoenix will once again rise, to light the way. If not, will I be strong enough to stumble on blindly, groping and grasping at the liquid darkness that suffocates? Or will I indulge in masochistic self-asphyxiation, self-sabotage, self-mutilation?

I feel the forces of light and dark battle it out on a subatomic level in my being. The war isn't anywhere in the world, it's right here! Inside each and everyone of you! Some days, the troops hold their fronts, clashing, pushing, advancing or retreating. Other days there are numerous casualties on both sides as comfortable, dependable numbness sets in, obliterating ambition, emotion and life force. Oh, have mercy!

Altered states of consciousness tiptoe through my mind, furtive and timid, perhaps fearful of surfacing. The consciousness is a tempestuous sea, roiling and bubbling with contradictory thoughts, learned patterns and the competing voices of the mass media. What will you do when you eyes glaze over and you sit like a stuffed animal in the taxidermist's office?

Hell, it sure feels good to write again, although I know I sound completely batshit crazy right now. But the proverbial winds of change have replenished my dried up wells and re-inked my fountain pens to help release the pressure along the fault lines of my tectonic plates. Between my internal earthquakes and volcanic eruptions, I feel myself slowly realign as nature takes it course.

Now go on, venture out and find it again. Rediscover, Replenish, Relive. It is time for a seismic shift, perhaps even a cosmic reintegration, but there will be no algorithmic solutions. So I leave myself with a Hindu mantra, the Universal Prayer , to help me get on my way. OM!

सर्वे भवन्तु सुखिनः। सर्वे सन्तु निरामयाः।
सर्वे भद्राणि पश्यन्तु। मा कश्चित् दुःख भाग्भवेत्॥
सर्वे भवन्तु सुखिनः। सर्वे सन्तु निरामयाः।
सर्वे भद्राणि पश्यन्तु। मा कश्चित् दुःख भाग्भवेत्॥

Sarveśām Svastir Bhavatu, Sarveśām Sāntir Bhavatu
Sarveśām Pūrnam Bhavatu, Sarveśām Mangalam Bhavatu
Sarve bhavantu sukhinaḥ, Sarve santu nirāmayāḥ
sarve bhadrāṇi paśyantu, Mā kaścit duḥkha bhāgbhavet

May good befall all, May there be peace for all
May all be fit for perfection, May all experience all that's auspicious.
Om, May all be happy. May all be healthy.
May we all experience what is good and let no one suffer.

breathe

Right now I feel like I'm only beginning to understand... Or not. It keeps changing and morphing, even as I try to grasp hold of something I believe to be concrete, it slips away into the cracks and leaves me with even more formless chaos that confuses. I don't even know where to start or end, I can almost forget how to breathe.

But one thing beyond any shadow of doubt is this that I am so, so fucking stupid. Yep. I know I must be, that's the only way I can explain things. I can feel the air changing, but I have no idea what it means.

I wish I wasn't so stupid. It really isn't fair.

At least I know I'm psychic. I must be. This is it, the long overdue swing away from complete detachment, back into total involvement. This is what it feels like. I'd almost forgotten, and now I remember why it's so much easier to detach, detach, detach. What's truly important? I still haven't really figured that one out. I thought I did, but I was wrong. I wonder what else I've gotten wrong.

Detachment and Denial. They have served me well enough. Right now, I just need to breathe. To focus on the air swirling into my protesting, overworked lungs, feel it dissolve into my bloodstream and travel through my body. This is life. That's all there is to it.

It's really not that complicated, it doesn't have to be, does it? Breathe.

late night rambles

Another sleepless night. Another fire to fight. I miss having the time to do absolutely nothing at all... These days I'm all about being productive, spending time constructively or increasing my efficacy with proper time management and shite like that. *sigh*

I have no idea how I got to be like that. I see a lot of my mom in me and that's terrifying. I don't want to be a kancheongspider.

Life sure has a funny way of getting you entangled in convoluted plots and senseless dramas. I find that I am stuck in a neverending battle trying to find a balance, getting sucked in or drawn out in the tide of life. I oscillate between complete detachment and total involvement.

It's so very tiring.

I remember the excruciatingly long, lazy days of my childhood with an aching clarity. How I see-sawed between the soaring heights of unrestrained joy, the giddying madness of unexplained compulsions and the dark depths of juvenile despair.

Life back then really was not as simple as I make it out to be, but it was more authentic, perhaps. These days, I'm not even sure who I am anymore, as cliched as that sounds. It's not that I'm unhappy, I've just lost track that's all. Real life's finally caught up with me I suppose.

I remember what it's like to not have a care in the world, to see the world through rose-tinted glasses, to live from day to without having to make plans. Choices weren't so tough, issues didn't seem so ambiguous. In those days, I lived in black and white truths. God existed and the good guys always won.

Perhaps I've romanticized some of my memories, but what does that matter. I've chosen to store some things away in a deep dark corner. I have no desire to disturb Pandora's box for now. Some stones are better left unturned.

If I sit quietly for a bit, I feel the room spinning really fast. I don't like this.

Anyway, I'm in KL visiting old family friends with Mom. They've moved into a huge mansion that's about 5 storeys high in a posh neighbourhood, complete with a pool and massive kitchens. We've been eating nonstop, and I've just had a wholesome day of horseriding and playing with kids.

I'm feeling particularly nostalgic seeing how the triplets have grown so much. They're 16 now, full of life, confidence and cynicism. I don't know why but I feel a tad bit sad. I hope they will be happy, I really want for them to be happy but these wishes are usually ineffectual. This is why I probably will never have my own children.

Chiang Mai / Chiang Rai tomorrow before I head over to Laos. I am excited. Travelling is soothing balm for my nerves. I've got wanderlust and the itch cannot be ignored. I should just up and leave, disappear and live out the rest of my days with a nomadic tribe.

Ha ha ha. I believe I've just had a revelation of sorts. I shall go meditate on it and maybe it'll hatch into something else. Good night, I hope.

Sparky

Lately, it seems every time I update my blog, it's about a death. I thought I'd try to break the pattern by putting this off, but it's become obvious to me that this effort of mine is futile because I cannot get it off mind.

Sparky passed away on the morning of 28th April 2009. He waited until the rain had stopped and the sun was warming up the cool air before breathing his last breath.

His passing was relatively quick. With the onset of involuntary muscle spasms the night before, I knew the end was near but nevertheless had hope that my intuition was wrong. Jonah and I stayed up with him all night, trying to alleviate his suffering. We believe he was trying to hold on to see my brother who was in camp that night, but his body could no longer hold out another 24 hours.

Sparky came into our lives in 2000, a young, old-looking, silly pup. He was always so eager to please, and welcomed us home every single time with excited barks and unabounded affection. When I slept in on weekends, I would hear the scrabbling of his paws and his trademark snuffling outside my door.

I remember how tickled he would be whenever I blew wind at his face. This would cause him to roll around, rubbing his snout with his front paws until his fur was all mussed up. But no matter how annoyed he was, he never did snarl or snap at me. Sparky was so good-natured he never growled at any of us in anger.

He loved riding in the car with us, panting and drooling all over the car seat. I always has to be careful whenever I wound the window down, because Sparky would lean dangerously far out of the window. I remain certain that he would've jumped out if I did not have a firm grip on him.

We could never teach Sparky how to fetch. He would chase the thrown item enthusiastically, but upon catching it, he'd run off somewhere else to chew on it, ignoring our calls. Sparky slowly lost interest in balls (other than his own) and started picking fights with dogs much larger than him. He was either too gentlemanly or too stupid, but he never fought with smaller dogs or those his own size.

Strangely enough, Sparky always seemed fearful of other smaller creatures (such as defenceless kittens, little hamsters). He would approach us warily, sniffing cautiously. A foreign sound like a mewl or a squeak would send Sparky running for the kitchen with his stubby tail lowered.

How terrified he was of Patches when we first brought her home! Her teeth had not grown out and her eyes still closed when we first introduced them. She hissed at him and he was off like a rocket. Thankfully, they learnt to get along and used to play with each other (until Patches got all lazy, fat and grumpy).

But even in her grouchiness, Patches would go for walks with Sparky in the evenings, disappearing whenever there were other animals around, but always nearby.

Patches shed tears when Sparky left. It's very quiet now. These days I sometimes momentarily forget that he's gone and expect to hear him as I walk towards my gate. Then I realize, and that's when it hurts most. I wish you could've met my silly dog. Because no words can accurately convey what I want to express.

Goodbye old friend. All dogs go to heaven I'm sure. Especially if it was a dog as good as you. I miss you, but thank you for all the memories - I could not have asked for more.

I'll always remember your stinky doggy smell, the way you tilted your head whenever we made stupid sounds to induce that reaction, the roughness of your paws and the beautiful liquid amber in your eyes so full of love.

Yet Another Goodbye

Haikus for Allan. You have touched us all. Goodbye.

The voice sings a song
An Ode to Melancholy
It is bittersweet

I watch the sun set
Stabbing straight into my soul
It bleeds crimson red

A leaf flutters down
Dancing in the gusting wind
It twirls out of sight

Light begins to fade
The sky turns an even shade
of gray that stifles

A darkness within
This heaviness pervades me
Death looks upon us

I feel my heartbeat
My blood coursing through my veins
But there is no warmth

Row row row your boat
May your stream be kind and calm
Life is but a dream

I bid you farewell
It's so hard to say goodbye
I hope you found peace

The voice in my head
Is thankfully silent now
I will remember

back in, back out

I'm back from blog puratory! I'll barrage update soon. Much as happened since my last entry. Either im busier, lazier, or both - I'm way behind on updating this silly blog. I must not lag too much my memories fail me, and iI dont want to forget.

Spent Xmas and NYE in India with great people, stuffing my face with curries, naan, chapati, dosai and papadums. India was incredible indeed; with some shady in-credible people. I had such a blast nevertheless. :)

My dear friends Jerms and Alex sealed the deal, holy matrimony with the rings, the fire and brimstone church, bells, dry ice, suckling pig and all. I wish you both happiness, love, health and peace in your years together. :)

Will put up pics soon enough. One can only hope eh? Happy New Year y'all. Auld Lang Sayne and all that jazz.

Kuching

It was late and I was headed for home. Twas a late Saturday night, quiet even for Arab Street. As I waited by the road, a faint mewling caught my attention. It sounded like a kitten in fear, its call tinged with a manic sort of desperation.

So I crossed over to the strip of vegetation and fencing that divides the road, walking along till I found the source of mewling.

And there, in the darkness amidst leaves and branches and soil, a pair of bright eyes met mine. The kitten paused mid-mewl, crouched down on trembling legs. An occassional car whizzed by in an angry cacophony, headlights piercing the orange gloom of the quiet street.

I approached the kitten slowly with arms outstretched. The kitten sniffed my fingers apprehensively and recoiled, hissing and spitting so vehemently it seemed offended by my presence. It retreated further into the bushes. Fearing it would run out onto the other road and possibly become road kill, I had no choice but to scoop up the kitten in my arms with a bag.

Once in my arms, it did not even struggle. It stayed so still I feared I had accidentally hurt it. I crossed over to the other side, murmuring quietly to the kitten. It looked up at me with those beautiful eyes, soil and dried leaves matted to its fur.

Though it was very skinny, it looked healthy enough with a long straight tail. It had patches of spotted brown all over its soft, white fur. Peering around inquisitively, it clung to my clothes with its sharp claws. Still mewling, but softer, and it did not seem as frightened as before.

I wondered how it had come to be marooned on that little dividing island in between two roads. It really was quite lucky. Cats don't seem to have very much luck with moving vehicles, and the traffic on Beach road can get quite heavy in the day.

Suddenly, two girls appeared from the general vicinity of the Furniture Mall. "Kuching!" one called out in excitement. They crowded around me, making tutting noises and squeals of delight, speaking a language I was familiar with but could not understand.

Before I knew it, they had offered to give the kitten a home. I felt as if I were in a dream. I knew it was for the best, so I said goodbye to the tiny kitten I had just rescued. When I let go, it started mewling desperately again. At least, it sounded that way to me. The girls thanked me and got into a cab waving, leaving me with a heavy heart and an unpleasant blockage in my chest.

There was nothing but the warmth left behind by kitten's body in my empty hands, and even that was already fading fast in the cool night.

i. am. an. idiot. i know i am an idiot.

...---...

i keep thinking and remembering and theorizing and talking to myself in my head which is good and bad at the same time cos i don't have to stop for air but everything gets muddled up and turns brown like when you roll all the colours of playdough together and leave it in its shortlived multicoloured glory but then it discolours and turns into an even shade of brown as if some wicked witch put a curse on it or perhaps on you because she took away such a pretty thing from you for no reason at all.

i think i'm scared.

yes, it really is quite scary. this world is a freakshow we live in. we're all freaks, both you and i and everyone else. i know it's probably just my current perception that has inadvertently been shaped by my current state of mind, but i can't change this reality at the moment, so it's just freaky with lots of freaks and me being a freak too. freak-nation.

of course, all this is inconsequential. life goes on, with the changes anticipated, planned, unexpected or even resisted, but undeniably, life does go on with or without you. the ones left will just have to accept, cope or get used to things.

people only see what they want to see. they only see the obvious, and come up with ludicrous theories for everything else and believe wholeheartedly they are right.

this makes me sad.

what is wrong with people these days? what's wrong with everyone? this sucks. i want to be a cat worshipped in ancient egypt.

i hate my mind.

In Amatam Memoriam

For Fengmin, who passed away peacefully on 16 October 2008.

We all miss you.

In the misty night tiny dewdrops form
On windows with each exhalation
A tiny seedling starts to take root
Fighting through life's tribulations

The nightingale seeks shelter from
The stormy winds and pelting rain
It waits for the dark clouds to scatter
To sing when the sun shines once again

A candle flickers, brightens and dims
Too quickly and sudden it’s extinguished
No breath will fog up the cool windows now
Just memories of those we will miss

BusyBee

Ohmygodimustbegettingold. I leave Zouk early cos I'm sleepy, come home, shower and now I can't sleep. fark fark fark fark fark.

Ah well. Had a goodtime catching up with the rest of the world though. It's like I'm that frog in the well. Today was unbelievably tiring though. Pics for another time. Some older pics first to clear this backlog.

Pics from Jac's Bday (Happy Birthday Jac!), Ed Banger Night, and Rockstar Trio Party. Squeezed them all together... I seem to be getting lazier and lazier in uploading pics.

Caught up with Cheek who came by Sg during his Bali getaway. Went for Deathcab, tried on kie's very tight kebaya, drink with lynette darlin' at klee, om with adam and shan.

The Dog lovers reunion at Klee for Cheryl and Jon Teo. :) I didn't drink enough I think.

Geh Sir Veh's pink National Day Birthday Party. Pink galore and wii fun. I saw Mag too, for the first time since forever!

Chuanchuan & Yaoyao from KL, two brats I adore. :) Kids are awesome, as long as they ain't yours. Haha...

It's Sunday again. This week flew by so quick, Why is it I never have enough time??? I need to prioritize! Schedule! Plan and execute! Oh Tian, growing up is just such great fun, innit?

*sigh*

Cheryl & Bryan

Congrats to the lovebirds who got hitched on 160808! It was a beautiful wedding AND I got to steal lots of chocolates from the other guests. Haha.. Twas a rather nail-biting daythough. It rained in the afternoon before the solemnization by the sea and my brother disappeared with my mom's car when I had to bring the keyboard over for rehearsals...

But in the end, all was well. Most people made it on time too. It became a mini reunion of sorts. I had to wear a demure dress that made me look like a flower. But I didn't have to behave like a flower, thankfully. Cheryl looked adorable in her Korean getup and Euge look lovely too.

Was freaking out before the prawns were served, but luckily I had Lynne who agreed to harmonize with me (for the song we stuck in last minute) and Step who tried to distract and hypnotize me. And lousy Shouch and Jon Teo who sat by waiting for me to throw up on myself in anxiety.

Cheryl, thanks for letting us be part of your special day. Lynne and I had fun panicking and playing/singing for you. I love you and I wish you two all the happiness in the world. =)

Cheryl's 080808 Hen Night, Censored. Hahaha... Food, booze, balloons and *beep*.

Time seems to fly by faster and faster these days. It's a sure sign that I'm getting old. That and the number of married/married-to-be friends I have. Haha.. 24 hours just don't cut it anymore. More updates next time. I'm sleepy....

TheEnd FullStop

Would you rather know if the world was ending, or stay blissfully ignorant? Are you scared? Do you welcome it? Feel curious about it?

Large Hadron Collider (LHC)
The Large Hadron Collider is a particle accelerator complex intended to collide opposing beams of 7 TeV protons.

Everything that has ever been done in the name of Science was at the expense of lives, human or not. Some suffer so that the future generations may benefit, may learn from it. Advancement comes at a price.

Why is it we are never content? It is that innate restlessness and curiousity that spurs uson to greater heights. From conquering lands to the oceans and skies, we now have the technology to reach into space as well. And all this for what? What is the point of all this?

If God created us in his image, is it then not our fault that we try to play God too? Does God not create and destroy as well? Perhaps there is no God. God, or Gods, are merely a projection of humanity, encompassing all that is good and bad within us.

Perhaps the human mind created a God to satisfy his vanity and to shirk from his responsibilities, to answer to unanswerable questions and to keep his fear of the unknown at bay.

Why did curiousity kill the cat? Why the story of Pandora? If not for curiousity, for the need to excel and achieve, there would be no "One giant leap for mankind" and all that?

So with the LHC, perhaps we could make "A Better Tomorrow". After all, have we all not benefitted from all the advancements our ancestors have achieved? We could have a free, renewable, CLEAN source of energy for everyone! No more skyrocketing prices of fuel that only make the rich richer. No more deforestation and mining and holes in our ozones.

Or a blackhole could appear and wipe out humanity, kill us all in one big painful atom-shredding swoop. Perhaps it's for the better. Maybe some humans will survive and live to perfect this technology that would send Mankind into space faster than the speed of light. (And I'm wondering who would be the person saying, "I TOLD YOU SO!") We could all be sucked into a wormhole and deposited in some alternate universe where the sky is green and the grass is blue.

Who knows?

Is it ethical? Is cloning ethical? What's ethical? It is man's need to place himself above other animals that gave birth to Integrity, Morals, Ethics. We need to be honourable, righteous people. We need to do the right thing. But what's right? Testing on animals so that we might benefit? Chopping down ancient forests to supply the unending demand for paper and pretty wood furniture? Dumping toxins into the oceans? Burying tonnes of waste in the bowels of Earth, out of sight out of mind?

What do I know. I'm no physicist. I'm no philosopher. I'm no conservationist. I'm not even religious. I'm a speck existing and thinking and theorizing on a larger speck in universe filled with dust. I can tell my left hand from my right, but who's to say I'll always be able to differentiate?

Regardless of the petitions for or against it, the LHC will be fired up in August, with the first collision projected to occur in October. No one knows what will happen, or if the meagre safety measure will be able to contain whatever might happen.

So the world might end in October 2008. Just thought you might want to know. Enjoy the rest of your lives everyone! You never stop living till you're dead.

Watch BBC's report on LHC here.
LHC 1 of 3
LHC 2 of 3
LHC 3 of 3

Moral ambiguity seems to be the current theme of my life. Why these strange phases, I have no idea... I just wanna play hopskotch right now. Ta.

Freak

So every once in a while, I am utterly bowled over by how bloody varied and complex and colourful life can be. It's always moving and changing and twisting and turning.. Just look at the goddammed weather. It's so very much like human emotion. Unstable, unpredicatable with a whole lotta wrong forecasts.

It quite literally takes one's breath away.

Sometimes not so much, when that familiar old friend visits again. Like a numbing balm, it doth soothe thy passion-fevered brow. Life has that frenzied effect on most people. It stirs you up and drops you in shit, or decides to plant you in the middle of a daisy field where suddenly the earth cracks up during a violent earthquake, killing everything except you, you little weed, you strange, pitiful joke.

Life in a state of constant fluxes.

Passion is such a wonderful, dangerous thing. It is strange how something so inspiring and alive can be so destructive and blinding. Passion turned the wrong way thwarts, manipulates, changes, kills. Behold how passion takes over a charismatic leader with wonderful ideals, how ideals take on a life of their own and infect others like an accelarated cancer. How many bleed and kill and die for them even though ideals aren't tangible; don't even exist, if you think about it.

Boredom is placid, yet potentially life threatening. The screams in your head that won't go away. You want to claw your way out, burst out of your skin, your body, your mind. To be anything - a cloud, a spasm of pain, a nondescript piece of candy dissolving in a mouth - anything except yourself. And yet, the body is sluggish and useless. It appears to possess little or no will. Being trapped within an unresponsive body is a truly terrible thing.

Half-crazed, half-arsed, half-baked, half-dead. Life is funny that way.

I wonder what happens if, and when, it snaps.

Photo Update

Only pictures. Too tired. Whee.

Pat's Birthday! Happy 16th Birthday Pat! Haha..




Klee love.


Happy Birthday Helly!


Cousins i love.


Sex in the City Girls Night Out. Love love love..


Ed Bangers and Mash @ Zouk. I didn't even go in. Pft.


Bye.