02012012. East Coast Park.
T: Haven't been cycling in ages man!
D: Like our sex lives eh?
T: Yes, but at least for cycling, I can come whenever I want.
Just goes to show when you least expect it, life drops you an absolute whopping cracker of a joke, beauty in unexpected places, a ticking time bomb, a big pile of stinking shit or all three at one go.
I've been doing a fair bit of thinking lately these sleepless late nights. Since I've stopped drinking recently, I am at a critical transitional stage where there are far too many nocturnal hours to kill for an alcoholic insomniac such as myself. So I try to express what I've repressed and basically do a fuckload of self-mindfucking, which is ironically, the only kind of action I get(haha).
So I have arrived at the conclusion that both ENNUI and alcohol cause most of my problems in life, and unfortunately, they are inextricably linked. Perhaps in my clumsy attempts to stay consistently engaged, I try to chase away ennui with alcohol and then somehow get entrapped in convoluted, messy dramas, misunderstandings and general madness.
The highs are unbelievably high, and the lows are devastatingly low. I live a life with very little control over it, which can be both a good and bad thing. Thankfully, I've got my slightly fucked up sense of humour, so at least I can still say life's funny and interesting.
So its been a pretty icky start to 2010, with shit hitting the fan and all that jazz. Honestly, this was an absolute clincher, the icing and cherry on top of the somewhat large pile of weirdshithappening for 2009. Which is great, cos it can only get better, right?
My very wise friend Xavier once shared this with me: "Today was worse than yesterday, but at least it will be better than tomorrow." It may sound pessimistic, but really, it is fabulous advice. Think about it this way, if you expect things to get worse and they do, you're prepared for it. But if things get better, its a welcome surprise. This way, you'll never be disappointed, unless you're a masochist and actually want your situation to get worse.
Expectations can be a real pain indeed. Everyone forms expectations and are often disappointed, especially since people tend to be disappointing and life never quite goes according to plan most of the time. This disappointment is often accompanied by anger, hurt, unhappiness, apathy, and other generally negative emotions which cannot be dealt with healthily without sufficient emotional maturity.
For too many, happiness is dependent on external factors that they have little or no control over, or perhaps their self worth is dependent on other people, and one mistake heralds the end of days. Why do people need to make their lives so difficult for themselves and others?
Well, I'm not exactly little miss sunshine here, god knows, but I'm trying to forge my own path and find my own way. Sometimes you need to get lost to find something worthwhile, and boy have I gotten lost. But I'm picking up a trail, see, and I believe it's for the better. Risks need to be taken, sacrifices need to be made, suffering needs to be endured for lessons to be learnt and character to be built.
I have no control over what you think, say, feel or do. I have no part in how life will play out, a negligible amount of influence in saving the environment or helping other causes. Hell, I don't even possess sufficient awareness and understanding of the self to prevent self-sabotage or self-destruction.
But I'm working on it. And while I am sorry for whatever damage or pain I may have unwittingly inflicted on others, I refuse to be apologetic for my existence, for not being perfect all the fucking time, for not conforming to standards set by others, or following prescribed paths of alleged "sanity". I do not feel the need to explain or justify my self, but it is tiring to be misunderstood and blamed, the sacrificial scapegoat, the dunce in the corner of the room.
It's so much easier to just shut down stone cold, to be quick to judge and point fingers in self-righteous anger, to provoke mudslinging, to listen to malicious slander out of convenience and write someone off just because, to deceive others or the self, to fear than to trust. Yes it's much easier, and look at how much of it is ego or pride, how much of it, excuses or ignorance?
I refuse to let life get me down.
Enlightenment is not an easy pill to swallow.
The cathartic effect of writing provides only temporary respite.
Don't forget family, friends, love, adventures, music, art, dreams and humour.